Schitts Creek

Weekly Recap: America the (Unintentionally) Hilarious

I hate to sound extreme, but at this point, our government feels like a live taping of Comedy Central: D.C. Edition. It’s equal parts absurdity and performance art, only without the laugh track to let us know whether we’re supposed to laugh or scream.

Let’s start with our current Commander-in-Chief, Donald Trump. This week he was practically cosplaying as a Middle Eastern sugar baby. I wish I were exaggerating. The man was all smiles overseas, complete with lavish welcomes, red carpets, and enough boot-licking diplomacy to make a diplomat blush. At one point, it looked like he was auditioning for the reboot of Real Housewives of the Middle East. The optics? Unbelievable. A U.S. president practically kissing the ring like it’s some new form of international foreplay. All that was missing was a “Get Ready With Me” video captioned: “Watch me compromise national integrity for aesthetics.” But wait, he wasn’t the only one playing a cosplay role this week.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. decided it was his time to be a comedian and shine, or maybe swim. He took his grandchildren for a fun little swim in Rock Creek Park. You know, the one with sky-high bacteria levels, known pathogens, and a historical reputation as Washington, D.C.’s most polite biohazard. But don’t worry, Kennedy, a proud anti-vaxxer, apparently felt that swimming in murky, contaminated waters with kids in tow was safer than, say, a routine vaccination. Seriously, he treated Rock Creek like it was the Mediterranean. If irony were a sport, this moment qualified for the Olympics. It’s like he woke up and said, “How can I prove I don’t believe in science today?” and then just cannonballed into the rock creek water.

Then came the highlight of my week, the actual punchline. During a Senate hearing, the Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert Kennedy said this to the senate. His exact words: “People shouldn’t take health advice from me.” Mic. Drop. Finally someone in government said the quiet part out loud. I’ve been screaming this sentiment into the void for months now, but it hits different when it’s on the congressional record. Honestly, at this point, I might as well apply for the job myself. I’ve got cleaner facts than Rock Creek has water, and that’s saying something. The bar for credibility is so low right now, I could trip over it in flip-flops.

So what did we learn this week? Our president thinks diplomacy is an Instagram reel. A presidential appointee is treating polluted water like a spa day. And at least one person in charge still admits that health advocacy is not his strong thing. Until next week, stay hydrated, just not in Rock Creek my friends!