Big Brother

Did you hear the news? No, it’s not a reboot of Survivor: Washington D.C. (though I’m still waiting for someone to respond to my casting tape— another story for another day). This one’s a little wilder: The United States government is allegedly toying with the idea of turning citizenship into a reality show-style competition. Yes, you read that right—citizenship, as in pledging allegiance and earning the right to vote, might soon come with a buzzer, a timer, and possibly a confetti cannon and live studio audience.

Now before you ask, no, this isn’t a sketch from Saturday Night Live. This is real life in the era of “Commander of Reality” himself, Donald Trump, whose legacy continues to be immigration policy debates. The concept may sound absurd, but it fits squarely into a timeline that already includes travel bans, family separations, and now, game show-level theatrics around the sacred process of naturalization.

This proposal, or political theater, depending on your point of view, comes hot on the heels of the Supreme Court recently blocking an effort to get rid of birthright citizenship via the 1798 Alien Enemies Act. Yes, you read that correctly: Seventeen ninety-eight. A law from a time when powdered wigs were in style now being dragged into 21st-century immigration policy. If only this administration went to such lengths to combat inflation or lower grocery prices, then we might all be eating more than ramen and tears.

Just imagine it: contestants nervously reciting the Preamble to the Constitution (I’d be out in round one, let’s be honest), dodging trivia like “Name all original 13 colonies” while a studio audience claps, groans, and votes people off the… citizenship island? Bonus round: name Donald Trump's kids without looking it up. Losers may not get a rose, but they might get a one-way ticket out.

But here’s the kicker: this isn’t just satire anymore. Turning the naturalization process into a spectacle cheapens what it means to be a citizen. For many immigrants, the path to citizenship involves years of paperwork, interviews, legal fees, tests, and emotional labor. It’s a deeply personal journey full of hope, sacrifice, and resilience. Turning that into a punchline or a prize is not only offensive, it’s dangerous. Citizenship isn’t something that should be earned through an obstacle course of nationalism, nostalgia, and nonsense. It’s not a reward for performance; it’s a right for those who meet the criteria and uphold the values this country claims to stand for.

So no, I won’t be auditioning. Not because I don’t love a challenge, but because this isn’t a game. This show deserves to be canceled on arrival, preferably before it ever reaches the pilot stage. And while we’re at it, someone tell Mark Burnett I’m still waiting on that Survivor callback. Preferably one where I don’t risk losing my passport.